Quietly Waiting.

the move you made was far to “classy” for me to forget.
I waited by the phone for your call,
but someone else was on your mind.
I traded these words all for a lie, but the lie brought me into reality.

Tell me how can you live knowing this was your fault?
the pain and suffering I have ridding on my back
is taking control of my life.
the life i had is slowly coming to an end,
but this end, is just a new beginning for you.
to live life with regret and fear.

I know the way that the game is played,
the simple I love you baby, things will never change.
sounds so realistic when everything in reality is falling down.
I wait up at night, because I want to hear your voice.
I cry in sadness when I hear those same three words.
They haunt my dreams, cause im scared to be repeating whats not felt.
It hurts to think that things will never be the same.
A smile, A laugh, were simply not living.
A death took place and changed us all,
but what changed us, changed the future more.

This has been the longest minuet of my life.
Im really lost when I don’t hear your voice.
Your this drug that I never can get enough of…
I was so lost until I was found,
I was confused but you put me on track…
You gave me hope, when everything was falling out of place.
But you lifted me up and gave me grace.

How am I a hot mess? Well this one time I was at home, and my brother Sam* was out with all of his friends and I was at home waiting for him to get back so I could leave. Soon the clock read 9:45 and then I get a phone call and for some reason I expected the worst. I answered the phone and it was Alex* asking if my parents were home, but mainly my father. I told her yes and that there was company over too and she started freaking out so then i instantly knew that this had to do with my brother. she told me that he was shit faced and that I needed to pick him up. So at 10 pm i walked into the living room telling my parents I was picking up the history assignment i missed that week in class. they said it was fine.
So i went to market square and saw the car that I knew was Alex's and parked it and walked over to it. The car was a four door could hold on average 5 passengers. But when they opened the door about 11 people came out including my smashed brother.It smelt like beer, vodka and weed. His other guy friends brought him over to the car and said that he had a water bottel full of vodka and they never thought anything of it.
So when me and my brother are in the car he rolls down the window to his friends and keeps saying "google me" like the website google.com. Im rather confused and they said that he knows that in the future hes going to be successful for athletics and that he will be on google. So he keeps saying google me.
On the car ride home, first off the car smells rather horrible, like vodka and a drunk boy who was smoking weed.
Once we arrived at our house, my parents had company over they were walking into their car when I was pulling into the driveway and i just looked at my brother and said you got lucky as fuck. and he started laughing for un-known reasons. and laughing is contagious around me so im laughing now too. So they people left and i pulled in and my dad saw that my brother was in the car and asked what happened to his car and i told him that he ran out of gas and that me and sam would be in the house in a minute and that we had to talk.
So we waited about 10 min. thinking they would have gone to bed. but the second we walked into the house my dad hands my brother asprin and water and says "your going to need this soon" laughing then walking to the foyer to go upstairs to bed.
So here I am with my brother sitting on the couch nervous that hes going to choke on his vomit or something so I stayed up the whole night watching him sleep and then at 5 am he started saying his head hurt. So i grabbed a pillow and hit him in the legs and shouted "next time dont tell people to google you, you idiot"
Now when we talk about it, he gets really embarrassed but I guess its funnier to tell in person, but it makes me smile every time I saved my 17 year old brothers ass when I was 16.

*: Changed the names for their dignity.

I havent been on here in a long time. maybe its the fact that i was busy, or its just that time is flying by with colors. who knew that it was already the end of may? or what I had finals this week? for all i knew is that it was still april.
So here i am, writing, like normaly about how i knew nothing yet failed to succeed at this.

http://earthlovepeace.blogspot.com
check it out, let me know what you think. Help me make something out of it.

Keep it real-Peace

I was looking back upon everything that has gone wrong in my life and realized that too many things have happened that I want to forget. I should have made better dississions, not have met certain people and disrespected the one person who means the world to me now.

It showed me how emotionally corrupt I have become and how much I really regret it all.
Our memories are still being charished
people are reliving everything that we once lived.
They're telling us that they can make it all better
by simply retracing our steps
to one day call them their own.

1) Im running in a field, not sure where my destination may be
I need to stop to catch my breath, but I know I cant because your watching me.
Your the one pulling me through my days, but then other times your haunting my dreams
Im sorry that I loved you because now im not sure whats left of me, all I know is that you were slowly killing me.

2)I can say im scared of letting you go
Its not that i dont want to, its just I dont know how
Im scared. Scared of being forgotten because being forgotten just shows that you made no impact on someones life.
But if I wasn't forgotten then I would feel that I have accomplished my life goal.

3) I can see it now, the way she looks at you, the way she talks to you
It makes me have this sense of jealousy, ragging through me,
breaking me when you give her a smile, a nod and a wave.
I wish it was only me you saw, but im understanding why your not.

1. If you could say anything to the person who has hurt you most in life what would you say?

I wish the same kid I was best friends with growing up with, would come back and the ass you are now would disapper.

2. When will your next kiss be?
     This weekend. haha
3. What song are you listening to?
. The Audition. Warm Me Up
4. Who does it remind you of?
     Its to insane to speak of.

5. Last movie you watched? with who?
    Across The Universe

6. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
   Well I have my people next door who are in my grade but fuck them because i dont like them. So in Wilmette.

7. What CD is in your stereo?

Say Anything

8. Has a friendship ended recently that you wish hadn't?
     Nope.

11. What are you most looking forward to?
    Getting out of this hell hole
12. What are your nicknames?
       Mackattack, Mackie, MDog, umm hey kid.

13. Describe your dream life:
      Being a photographer for either Rolling Stones Mag. or ESPN

14. Where would you like to live?

either New York or Utah

 

15. Last time you spent the night at someone's house?
   Last night.

16. When was the last time you were extremely disappointed?
       When I found out my parents are making me go to college, so tonight.

TOP TEN THINGS ABOUT YOU
1. Are you single?   Yes

2. Are you happy?  am i ever?

3. Are you bored? nope. this is entertaining.
5. Are you Italian? yah
6. Are you pregnant? No, but that would be a good one.

8. Are you cool? hell yes!

9. Are you Irish? yah

10. Are your parents still married? Yes 25 years

TEN LASTS:
1. Last phone call you made: Niki

2. Last phone call you received: People call me. wow.

3. Last person/people you hung out with? Rose and Niki

5. Last person you tackled?:  humm... the hobo on the streets of Chicago.

6. Last person you IM'd: Dont have the time

7. Last text message you received: Rose i think. i dont really check those.

8. Last person you hugged?:  I Dont hug.
9. Last person you hated?:  Number 6 from the questions above.
10. Last person you laughed with?: Katie and Muffy

im starting to become scared. The fear of

losing my show at succeeding my goals in life.

I feel that i should appoligives now because im to scared to

not say its before im gone.

I cant get rid of you, your voice is screaming

in my head. I cant take this nightmare of life anymore

no not anymore.

Your attached to me, like the paintings hanging on my walls.

The thought of getting rid of them doesnt make sense to me,

but losing you does too.

I cant get rid of you, your voice is screaming

in my head. I cant take this nightmare of life anymore

no not anymore.

Its finally time for me to say goodbye, Your lips

are still making me go crazy when you

crash into me.

Dear           ,

Your words make my heart skip beats. They create this connection so I understand whats going on throughout the world. Your always there for me no matter what the ocassion is. Your someone that I know will always be there for me.  Anything that happens to me I know ill be okay because you'll be the one to save me from the horrible days. Once I got to know the real you, you made me want to never forget you because once you were in my heart I didnt want to let go. I can say that I love you because your someone I know I will love for the rest of my life. You helped me overcome my thoughts on love, when I believed that 'love' was not real.

Thanks for everything, because if you werent here with me, I dont think I would be either.

Love always,

 

I would walk the world for you while discovering the new me.

We can take our footsteps together through those snowy and sunny days, along the beach shores in the month of may and in december till the end of our gloomy, but enjoyable days.

You have changed me, and i wanted you to know that the old me has changed into a new person that i loved becoming.

You are cordially invited to the life of an 'emo chick'

People tell me that I am an emo chick, but all im doing is spilling my words and thoughts onto these few lines.

Im scared of forgetting the ones i hold close to me while the people i regret, i hope to forget.Being my self is all I need, whether its enough for you its right for me.

Take these words and play them right, but be the one to hold me close and sing a lullabye to tonight. When the times are tough and the deathcab is at its end of its playlist on my ipod tonight.

The Life of an emo chick is just like yours with less conflict and drama that comes with more depression on the things we miss and dwell upon throughout the emotional world were living in.

The thoughts over you are being created into this monster through my words, i hope you know that at one point i did love you, but you were always right when you said peoples minds change over time.

The pages ive spilt my emotional world onto it, the thoughts have created a new me regretting you, and forgetting most.

Spill the words you feel for me to, because id like to think that they can measure up to how much hate i have on you. and the feelings i felt through your break up tonight.

I cant believe i told you it all, creating a bond that got crush tonight, now its not only you i have to run from but its my past also.

Sprinting the distance of our town, seeing the people we were once friends with but now they dont accept you because you broke the one bond we had while shattering my heart.

Your making my eyelinner run, constantly. Im sorry i never told you that i loved you.

It just was the fact of bing emotionally attached to someone that scared me while figuring out the person im becomming.

They were once the couple to be

But then they hit the bumps in the road

Like most couples i suppose.

He wanted to be the one to save her, but she didnt want to save him.

The things they did for eachother, were once the 'perfect' thing

Like the 14 caret right is now a symbol on how their 20

Years of marriage is now down the drain

Along with the past regrets they are going to have to face.

Do you ever just cry because there is nothing else to do?
Thinking about the things that were said all over this stupid argument
we had about a class. I dont understand why you dont believe me
that if really was the teachers idea. It never came across my mind to
just quit. give up. You said in life to never take the easy way out.
But thats what you did do. You took the easy way out. You got out of this mess we call a 'family'
You got to get out of this house and make a name for yourself, while
im here in my room suffering enough for the both of us. My veins are blue
Just like my mood around you for being angry at the
fact that your getting a good life but im the one stuck here, stuck here thinking about
how much I want to be out doing what I love.
Being free to express the true things I love,
not here learning about things that wont matter to
me in the matter of 50 years.
These things thatwe are 'learning' arnt going to help me.

Your making me cry in the rain,
Yet no one realizes it because our faces are already wet.
The tears are still stained to my face today
because ill never forget that day, that you
disappeared to a land far far away.

I woke up to having you gone.
Now im afraid that ill never see you again
im searching for you through the sea of people
on the crowded streets of Chicago, but I
realized that im never going to see you again.
When I saw them holding the casket of your
body, life and the thing that tore me apart the most
was the other girl my age crying just as bad as me.

Okay, well every journal ive done so far have been little things I throw together when im bored or what not. but I decided that I would rather write about the truth. 

Im going threw life and im doing everything that my family wishes for me, but the truth is, is that im dying on the inside. Its making me want to be done on the earth faster. They have me doing things thats I would normally not be intrested' in but im to scared to tell them the truth.

Its harder to tell them the truth, than to go along with what im doing i suppose. I wish there was a way for me to do something that i truly love. That involves the real me, photography, and music. But I learned that its going to be harder to achieve those goals than I originally thought.

Earth.Love.Peace.

I dont really know where to begin. It all started as a blur, nothing that was expected. It happened in such a short time period that my whole world changed. I didn't expect the accident to happen. It came as a shock to all of us. I think thats the real reason that I write all the time, to let my emotions go. The ones that I wish I shared. I always am the advice giver, but never one to recieve. Im looking for a way to tell my true feelings, but im just to scared to let people know the real me. Im hidding behind these words, thinking that they will be the one thing that will make everything okay. But im to scared to let it be okay when I know that im the reason hes not here standing next to me all because of my thoughts and the things that got changed that very moment.

I said that I loved you, but now I cant wait to tear you apart.

Our Love has grown for miles but now sitting in the darkness of our fears.

Own up to what we are face the world with me, while running in the moonlight scared because im to scared to let it all go.

By slipping through my fingers to the ink of this pen and into your hands because thats truly how im going to let you go through my love for you.

I guess that this was the right dissision
to make the move
to start with my fresh start
but it wasnt feeling right until i saw him
the one person that i couldnt stand to be without
we havent talked yet but i know things will be alright
becuase he has the very same look in his eyes.

You would expect that not being friends for the past couple of years
would be difficult
because we were such good friends before
but now i feel like things will be alright
and i dont need you to sing me a lullaby.

The one place where i know things will be alright
is when im at your store
trying on clothes
that most people couldnt afford
but it makes me feel happy
when i know that one day i will
and ill have you to thank
for my amazing success in life
because you simply cared for me
that one night.